Jays 18, Rangers 10

Right when I was in the middle of much opining and bitterness while writing about the clusterfuck that has been the 2009 Blue Jays today, it occurred to me that I have a habitual need to find the silver lining of every game. For instance, in digesting the shitkicking we took from PAUL FUCKING BYRD and the Red Sox yesterday, I found solace in the fact that Jesse Carlson had now gone 7 appearances without giving up a run and put up some pretty fucking awesome numbers over that span. I figured if I'm going to go through this habitual self-delusion after every game, why not spread the insanity?

One problem tonight - this game was kind of fucking awesome. Yeah, they almost gave it away and gave up 10 unanswered runs and the bats kind of went to sleep over that span, but c'mon. The boys put up 18 runs tonight. Aaron Hill, Adam Lind, Rod Barajas and Vern were pretty much all awesome. Vern saved the game with a leaping grab to rob Chris Davis of extra bases and preserve the lead. Barajas hit his 15th and 16th home runs, and appears to be playing his way to comfortable Type-B free agency. And Adam Lind. Seriously, Adam Lind. Scott Downs added 1.2 innings of shut-out ball to go to 4.2 IP of lights out relief since returning from the DL. And Jason Frasor came in and shut the door - albeit in quite possibly the lowest leverage situation of his career. So the first edition of "The Silver Lining" is pretty much irrelevant. But hey, wasn't that fantastic?

The Greatest Announcer in the History of Sports

"That may be the knockout punch!"
- Jamie Campbell, after Adam Lind hits a grand slam off of Derek Holland to make it 10-0-

Why must I geeve a fawk?

Hi folks. Remember me? No? Understandable. I maintained this blog with unflinching enthusiasm for all of a month or so, then not so much. Comfort I managed with relative ease, fury was disappointingly infrequent. Part of that was my general indifference to the world beyond me, the rest was my reasonable assurances that no one actually reads this shit. And yet here I am, rambling on like a drunken Rex Murphy who just discovered four letter words.

Comfortable? Check. No work today, not even leaving the house until slo-pitch tonight (PLAYOFFS!) so I'm sitting here, house-bum casual at the kitchen table drinking tea and rocking some Jim Croce. It's a lazy Monday before classes start tomorrow and I actually have to do some fucking work for a change.

Furious? Nah, let's go with bitter. This is going to be a Jays post after all. Maybe add in a bit of resentment. And for good measure, top it off with some good old fashion envy (we are in the AL East, of course). The 2009 season has been a cocktail of conflicting emotions. In spring training the argument seemed to be whether a resurgent offence could push this team to another season of wins in the low to mid 80's, or whether the complete gutting of the team's starting pitching would have the boys playing like it's 2004. We weren't really encouraged to believe when Vernon Wells went down to injury in the first week of training camp, BJ couldn't throw a fastball above 85mph or Matt Bush's control suffered to the point that he couldn't bean a mere sorority girl at close range with a heater. Then of course there was the complete flaming out of Ken Takahashi, Matt Clement and Mike Maroth, and the apparent setback to Dustin McGowan. But whatever, we were all conditioned to the inevitability of a "retooling" Blue Jays in 2009. Just wait for 2010. Right?

Well it didn't start that way. After a 27-14 start, the Jays were leading the division. A quarter of the way through the season, this team was the best in the American league. Scott Richmond had won AL Rookie of the Month. The team was batting .289 and averaging 5.7 runs a game, while the pitching staff had a cumulative ERA of 3.85. Cito was a genius, JP Ricciardi was lucky. PLAYOFFS.

But it didn't turn out that way, did it? I mean we should have seen that coming, and most of us did. Kind of. As much as I kept my cool in April, that 4 game sweep of the White Sox took me from "enjoy it while it lasts" to "seriously, could this last?" I blissfully ignored Rod Barajas' 120 point above career-average OPS, or Kevin Millar slugging like he was still good. Because, honestly, it was fun. And it was. But then the Jays headed out on the road.

Since May 18th, the Jays have won 31 games against 56 losses. Only Kansas City has a worse record over that period. That's right, the Washington Nationals have had more to cheer about in the last 3 months than us. I almost wish the first month and a half hadn't happened, because we'd be in a dead heat right now for first dibs on high school phenom Bryce Harper. And of course, perhaps we'd have been better prepared for the shitstorm of the past few months.

There were no lack of things to talk about since the 0-9 road trip that signaled the beginning of the Jays' downward spiral. Since having a pretty solid first month, Vernon Wells has put up a line of .246/.296/.380. Not since Bryan McCabe have Toronto sports fans been so united in their disdain for one player. Well, Alex Rios almost got there. He had the audacity to refuse an autograph to a cute little kid (who routinely hangs out above the dugout begging for autographs to sell) and became persona non grata for this percieved slight. And then of course there was the end of the BJ Ryan era, costing the team 15 million so the Beej could sit at home pushing his fingers into his eyes (since it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache).

But none of these struggles in anyway compares to the epic clusterfuck that was the Roy Halladay Trade Saga. It began shortly before the All-Star game in July. Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi was asked by Ken Rosenthal if he was interested in trading Roy Halladay, to which he responded that if an offer made sense, they'd "have to listen". Not news for about any other player but with Halladay this was apparently the story of the century. An explosion of bullshit erupted not seen north of the 49th parallel since Vince Carter's momma decided Vince didn't want to play in Toronto anymore. Every start Halladay made became his "last start in Toronto". Alas, no one came close to Ricciardi's asking price, and the Doc maintains his office at 1 Blue Jay Way. But that didn't mean we didn't lose anyone.

News broke less than an hour before the deadline on July 31st, that Scott Rolen had been dealt to the Reds. Initially it was rumoured that slugging first base prospect Yonder Alonso was on his way to Toronto in the deal, but it ended up being Edwin Encarnacion as a salary dump with two good pitching prospects, Josh Roenicke (who we're currently using in middle relief) and Zach Stewart (who has been all kinds of fucking awesome in Vegas). It sucked to lose a guy who was one of only a few Jays really nailing it this year, but understandable. And at least we sold high.

With Alex Rios, we didn't even geeve enough of a fawk to sell at all. Claimed off waivers by Chicago, JP decided to let him go in order to get the 60 million dollars owed to him off the books. This is of course an indictment of management whichever way you look at it. Either his contract was so bad that he couldn't have been moved to get any kind of value for him, or his contract was moveable and they screwed up in letting him get away for nothing. But it was a salary dump, and between he and Rock and Rolen 20 million dollars came off the books for next season.

You'd think losing two regulars to trade would hinder a team's performance. You'd be right. 9-16 in the month of August, 5-13 since AlexIsMostCertainlyNotOnFire headed to the windy city. Swept twice in the span of two weeks by the Massholes. Dominated by PAUL BYRD. If this season is over, someone should tell... no wait, the players definitely know. And now begins the blame game.

So whose fault is this gigantic clusterfuck? The players? Rogers? Magic Cito? JP Ricciardi? Vern? That Guy Who Drums Outside The Games? All of the above (especially the drummer. If only he'd been more forceful in getting passers by to complete "Let's Go ____ ____!")? Or was this just a necessary retool year where all the things we expected to happen just happened? I tend to wonder if we'd all be this frustrated if the mirage that was the first 41 games hadn't fucked with our reasonable expectations.

Okay, my comfort level is falling. The fury is festering. Fuck all the bastards. Fuck the Yankees, the Red Sox, the unbalanced schedule, the salary disparity, tepid ownership, Magic Cito's wacky strategy, the under performing stars (although yes, I still believe in Vernon Wells), the two-faced general manager. And most of all, fuck me for fooling myself. This wasn't the year. Next year is.

Right?

An Open Letter to Greg Gutfeld of FOX News' "Red Eye"

Greg,

I must apologize for my initial reaction to your comments on Red Eye last week re: the Canadian Military. From your joking that our men and women wanted the year off to "take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants", and suggesting that perhaps it is "time to invade this ridiculous country, they have no army", I quite obviously came to the mistaken conclusion that you lacked the respect for our country and our soldiers. My mistake, but I think you can understand. After all you said it yourself, I come from a ridiculous country. And your words were very layered and complex, so you have to understand my inability to discern the subtle hidden meanings contained within.

I should also apologize for misunderstanding the nature of your show. Simple and ridiculous as I am, I assumed that we should attach some layer of responsibility to words uttered on a cable news program, but you are patently a satirical program of the highest regard. But I still don't quite understand what the root of the satire here is, so maybe you can clear that up for me. Is it the nature of your network's news programming what you're poking fun at, or is it the Canadian military complex? I tend to think it can't be the latter since mocking the Canadian army and its soldiers would be quite clearly what we misinterpreted you as doing in the first place, but is it the former? Are you a sly devil, silently exposing the ignorant and uninformed nature of FOX News' programming? If so, I credit your for your courage. You're like a modern day Woodward and Burnstein (or is it Woodward and Lothrop? I'm sorry, we ridiculous Canadians are easily confused).

I must say though, the straightforward manner with which you have approached this apology has won me over as a supporter. It takes a lot of courage to bravely take responsibility for the misunderstandings of others, but I can read between the lines. The real victim is yourself, Mr. Gutfeld, who was the victim of such a horrible misunderstanding. And say no more, my friend, allow me to apologize on behalf of 30 million Canadians. We are irrational, ridiculous and sometimes we act before we think, but I know you'll find it in your heart to forgive us. You proved you were the bigger man today, I'm sure you'll continue to do so. I know I'll be there at 3am.

Regards,

Matthew Moore

P.S. You know, I hate to be dishonest. I won't be there at 3am. In fact, I don't see my television finding its way to FOX News at any point. And while we're at it, I didn't misinterpret you. You obnoxiously dismissed the contributions of the Canadian military on March 17th and there is no other reasonable interpretation of your words. Keeping this honesty train rolling, your program is either not a work of satire or a poorly constructed satire that did in fact poke fun at the Canadian military at the time where there is more traffic on the Highway of Heroes (google it) than ever. So I must admit, I wasn't particularly genuine at all in that e-mail. But isn't it kind of pathetic that I was still more genuine than you were in your own so-called "apology"?

Maybe I'm just an asshole...

But I took one look at the cover of the Toronto Sun today and had to laugh...


ACC Salutes AC/DC. Witty. Well, at least it would be. You know, if the show hadn't taken place at the Rogers Centre. But hey, why let the facts get in the way of a quality pun?

As for the show, it was AC/DC live. You expect a lot, you get even more.

Harperbot Steals Another Page

So the Tory economic platform is out (because really, what you want to do when less than a week away from an election is roll your entire platform out gradually), and it seems to bring to mind another Canadian Prime Minister. How'd that work out for him again?

Gotta love the Harperbot. Whenever we're worried we might be stuck with him in a majority role for 5 years, he goes and screws up.

Animals Are Starting To Get Awesome

First Sir Nils Olav the Penguin Knight, then Spaghetti Cat, now Punk Rock Turtle? What are we doing to keep up? Nothing, nothing at all. I fear for humanity.