An Open Letter to Greg Gutfeld of FOX News' "Red Eye"

Greg,

I must apologize for my initial reaction to your comments on Red Eye last week re: the Canadian Military. From your joking that our men and women wanted the year off to "take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants", and suggesting that perhaps it is "time to invade this ridiculous country, they have no army", I quite obviously came to the mistaken conclusion that you lacked the respect for our country and our soldiers. My mistake, but I think you can understand. After all you said it yourself, I come from a ridiculous country. And your words were very layered and complex, so you have to understand my inability to discern the subtle hidden meanings contained within.

I should also apologize for misunderstanding the nature of your show. Simple and ridiculous as I am, I assumed that we should attach some layer of responsibility to words uttered on a cable news program, but you are patently a satirical program of the highest regard. But I still don't quite understand what the root of the satire here is, so maybe you can clear that up for me. Is it the nature of your network's news programming what you're poking fun at, or is it the Canadian military complex? I tend to think it can't be the latter since mocking the Canadian army and its soldiers would be quite clearly what we misinterpreted you as doing in the first place, but is it the former? Are you a sly devil, silently exposing the ignorant and uninformed nature of FOX News' programming? If so, I credit your for your courage. You're like a modern day Woodward and Burnstein (or is it Woodward and Lothrop? I'm sorry, we ridiculous Canadians are easily confused).

I must say though, the straightforward manner with which you have approached this apology has won me over as a supporter. It takes a lot of courage to bravely take responsibility for the misunderstandings of others, but I can read between the lines. The real victim is yourself, Mr. Gutfeld, who was the victim of such a horrible misunderstanding. And say no more, my friend, allow me to apologize on behalf of 30 million Canadians. We are irrational, ridiculous and sometimes we act before we think, but I know you'll find it in your heart to forgive us. You proved you were the bigger man today, I'm sure you'll continue to do so. I know I'll be there at 3am.

Regards,

Matthew Moore

P.S. You know, I hate to be dishonest. I won't be there at 3am. In fact, I don't see my television finding its way to FOX News at any point. And while we're at it, I didn't misinterpret you. You obnoxiously dismissed the contributions of the Canadian military on March 17th and there is no other reasonable interpretation of your words. Keeping this honesty train rolling, your program is either not a work of satire or a poorly constructed satire that did in fact poke fun at the Canadian military at the time where there is more traffic on the Highway of Heroes (google it) than ever. So I must admit, I wasn't particularly genuine at all in that e-mail. But isn't it kind of pathetic that I was still more genuine than you were in your own so-called "apology"?